the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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