my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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