I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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