Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
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You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
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Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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