I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
