I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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