I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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