There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
