Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
