I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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