And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
