Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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