It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
