just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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