He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I intend to get homeless drunk
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
