For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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