so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
