I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
