i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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