i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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