dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just invented taco cereal.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I look excited, but its just a facade.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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