Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
