my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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