why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
