grandma shit on top of the toilet
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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