is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
