I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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