i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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