yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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