Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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