My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
