I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
