if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
