Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I could make wine with my vomit
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
