I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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