Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
