Your face is a jimmy john
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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