i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
