we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
