She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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