some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
