my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
