she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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