You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
