my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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