im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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