I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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