Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
only if we run a train.
done.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
