I feel like I'm in dance class right now
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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