You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
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i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
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I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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