So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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