just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
