Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
