we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
