I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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