just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
