I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
