I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
